Asking Is The Answer

A few months ago I found this late 90’s TV show on YouTube. It was set in New York, with twentysomethings figuring out love and careers and no it wasn’t Friends. I had decided to do the same in 1998—move to New York to see what I was made of. And I LOVED this show. It got canceled too soon, but what struck me most about the show was its music. Not the theme song, but another piece—a wistful, longing piano piece they played whenever the leads were pining for each other. I hunted high and low for it, hoping there was a soundtrack. But alas there wasn’t, and I bid the show a frustrated good-bye.

Until a few months ago. Twenty-plus years later and there it was on some obscure YouTube channel. I binged all the episodes over three days, and that lovely, longing piano piece still tugged at my heartstrings. I laughed at how very 90’s the show was, recalled how some of the women’s outfits had populated my own closet. But that little piano piece gave me an idea. My first time searching was pre-Google, so how easy would it be to find the music now?

It turned out to be pretty easy. There was no soundtrack, but a few random blogs about how messed up it was that show got canceled. When I finished binging the show, I wasn’t as upset as the first time around. My own life has had its share of unanswered questions and ghostings, people who showed up and disappeared without explanation, so it’s not the douse of cold water it used to be. Then somewhere in my search came a name—the show’s composer. He had a website, and it had an email address. I laughed at myself for going on this silly quest, but I couldn’t stop now. I sent an email about how much I loved the piano music from the show and if there was a soundtrack for sale. About a month went by with no answer, although I didn’t really expect one. It gave me peace to know I had asked, that I had knocked on every door.

So how surprised was I to get an email? And from the composer, not an assistant. He thanked me for my interest, and sent five tracks. He didn’t ask for any money; he just sent them because I asked. He’s worked on a bunch of shows and movies, and this particular show was just one of the many that burn bright and die away. But perhaps he hadn’t been asked about that piece in over twenty years. A little tune he liked but never talked about, only to find out he wasn’t alone. I realized my quest wasn’t so silly because it revived my hope. I’ve written five books and never been married, so I know rejection well. It’s a part of life, we expect and accept it blah blah blah. In our more human moments, we despise rejection and can’t be reconciled. We know it takes time to find an audience, to find a partner, to be seen by the people we need in order to build the life we want. But the waiting eats into your best years, your patience, your high metabolism. By the time a shadow of what you want shows up, you can be so depleted you don’t even want it anymore. But I’m learning that the answer to what I want is to ask for it—ask, without expecting a yes or even an answer. To my initial shock and ultimate relief, the outcome is beyond my control. Just knowing I asked lets me sleep at night, spares me a case of the what-ifs. I’ve walked away from people, dreams, and plans without looking back and all because I asked. When the goal is to try, you guarantee your own happiness. And you truly never know who will say yes.

Even no answer is an answer…