I Hate That For You

I’ve just had an interesting insight—if we compare our bodies to houses, it becomes extremely clear where the boundaries are. Ready? Let’s go!

Imagine me in my house. I’m reading a book by the fire, cup of cocoa with a splash of Kahlua steaming beside me. Suddenly I hear a crash. I unravel from my blankets and go to the window. My neighbor’s house has been vandalized—windows broken, doors ripped from their hinges, lawn dug up. In the same moment, my neighbor pulls up. He gets out of his car, runs around his property in horror. I and other neighbors come outside, phones in hand to call the police. But my neighbor shouts ‘No! No cops! I’m not a wimp, I don’t need the police.’ The rest of us protest. ‘Of course we’re calling the cops. This is a terrible thing that’s happened to you and needs to be reported.’ So the cops arrive, but the neighbor refuses to report the crime. ‘I’m tough.’ he says. ‘I can handle this.’ And with that he goes inside, unable to shut the door because it’s on the lawn. The cops search for the vandals, put out an APB, but the criminals are never found.

A week goes by, then three. My neighbor’s house is in the same condition—broken windows, dug-up lawn. He leaves for work in the morning, comes back at night, walks through the hole where his door used to be. The other neighbors and I come to his house, asking if he needs help with repairs. He tells us ‘I’m not fixing anything until whoever did this apologizes.’ We tell him it’s not safe to leave his house in disrepair. His response is to pick up a few rocks and break our windows. We look at each other in horrified confusion. Again we call the cops. When the neighbor gets arrested he’s crying. Before he’s put in the car he yells ‘I broke your windows because somebody broke mine and never apologized! What about my pain, my destroyed property? How could you turn against me like this? Don’t I deserve some grace after what I’ve been through? I’m a victim too!’

Soooo…yeah. Who wouldn’t feel bad for the neighbor? He hadn’t done anything to anyone and had his home wrecked. But in real life, who would leave their house a vandalized mess and refuse help? Who would hesitate to get the law involved? It turns out we have more respect for the inanimate objects we possess than for our own selves. Or at least we’ve been trained to.

At one time or another, we’re either the victim or his neighbors. Do we sit with our injuries, letting them fester because the person who hurt us won’t apologize? Can we afford to leave the doors and windows broken? It feels incredibly unfair that someone got away with hurting us, and it is. Admit it. Own it. Shout it from the rooftop. Roll around and cry your eyes out, you have the right. And after you’ve done that, you’ll realize you can’t afford to leave your house (or life) a mess. It also becomes glaringly obvious that vandalizing other people’s things (or lives) is the worst thing you can do. Not only have you destroyed your chance of being repaired, you’ve made yourself a danger to the neighborhood.

And what can we do if we’re the neighbors? I put myself as a neighbor in my scenario because I’ve been a neighbor in life. People close to me have been victimized, many in terrible ways. The people who hurt them deserve to be in prison. I wanted to help, to be their friend and let them know there are caring people in this world. I see how this could put me on the road to a savior complex, but I see it more like offering to help a neighbor clean up after a robbery. Like, how could you not want to help? Of course, the diabolical aspect of abuse is the perpetrator brainwashing the victim into believing they’re not a victim, that there was no robbery. But in any case, there comes a point where the victim has to make a decision—do I a) acknowledge and fix what’s broken or b) spread the pain? As the victim’s neighbor, what do I do if they choose b? I might love them like family and hate what life is doing to them, but can I afford to be in danger?

Over the years, I’ve had to call the Friend Police more than once. It’s heartbreaking when someone decides to weaponize their trauma, but in the end it’s not good for the neighborhood. We guard our property value to the point where we’ve set up HOAs. I’m pretty sure we can keep that same energy for our personal value.

We think there’s no light, but the trees know better